binarysky | 2.1; voice

I never knew what it was like...to feel. I didn't remember. So I couldn't tell the difference.

[ His smile fades a little at the mention of Axel; while Roxas had found some peace and maybe even something resembling happiness as part of Sora, Axel is still gone. And that hurts.

But not all of him. They'd been there together on that clock tower, their friendship still real and intact when almost all else was lost. See you, partner. He tucks that thought away, something to hold and treasure in quiet hours. ]

I don't know about them. I don't even know about me. Maybe it's because of you. [ He taps Sora's just this time, once. ] Or maybe not.

[ The tap makes Sora blink and he pauses for a moment.]

Maybe.

[ He feels bad for mentioning Axel what with the way Roxas' smile dims, can't imagine what it would be like to think of Riku or Kairi gone forever. In a way, he thinks, it's my fault, and stares at the sand, arms folding behind him absently. ]

I wish there was a way to know. More than we do, I mean.

If there is, we'll probably find out eventually.

[ He steps back and scuffs at the sand with one foot. Despite the sad memories, it feels like some tension has eased, even if it wasn't a bad tension. ]

A little at a time's okay with me, though. I feel like my head's overstuffed as it is—remembering everything like that.

Yeah...I guess we can start with the things you know now...[ Is what he says at first but then he's adding quickly, ]but we don't have to right now. Like you said, we have time.

[ Peering at him a while longer, Sora, takes the step or two to stand right beside him, facing the same direction so he can bump his shoulder against the blond's as if to say hey. ]

No rush. Tired? If you're not, we could get ice cream. It's gonna start getting cold soon.

[ Not immediately but season wise, and even now it's noticeable that what with the hour and being on the shore, it's cooler. ]

I'm okay. We can talk. Just shake me if I start to zone out or something.

[ He grins at the shoulder bump, then looks back at the sea. There's something peaceful about the waves. ]

Actually, I'd like to stay here a little longer.

Oh....yeah, okay.

[ Blinking, he hooks their arms as if they've been doing it for years and turns them around again, moving toward where the water laps up over the sand. Overhead the moon casts its light in all the familiar shattering quality across the 'ocean', and Sora does think of it like that, even if some people say it isn't a real one. It's real for this place.

On the last foot or two of sand he slips his arm away before nodding at the ground and sitting, legs splayed out in front of him. ]

I like it here too.

[ He admits with the soft, honest kind of happiness that speaks loudly of memory as much as anything else. ]

[ It's a little odd to walk arm in arm, but not in a bad way, and Roxas only stumbles a little before falling into step with Sora.

It's really nice here. There's a sense of nostalgia here, maybe from Sora and maybe from his own wants. He doesn't feel the need to examine further to decide which it is as he sits down. ]

Me and H—

[ No, it hadn't been Hayner, not Pence or Olette. Not real, none of that real. ]

Me and Axel were going to go to the beach when we got another vacation day. But this is the first time I've ever been.

[ Blinking at the pause, Sora thinks to pursue it but then Roxas is mentioning Axel and he pauses himself, mouth still open as if the thought got out anyway even though he hasn't said anything yet.

when we got another vacation day

Something unpleasant twists in Sora's stomach or closer in his chest maybe, where his heart beats in time with Roxas'. He turns his gaze out toward the sea again, draws a hand back and forth in the sand to find a long twig, using it to begin drawing an arc in the wet sand just beyond their feet. ]

When was your other vacation day supposed to be?

[ Where on the timeline, he wants to know but would never think to phrase it that way, has it down to basics - just wanting to know more of Roxas, as he did before, but now there is more to know, and that's rather different. ]

I don't really know.

[ He leans back, looking up at the sky before his gaze drops again to the waves. One after the other in an endless row. ]

We only got one that whole year. Back then, I didn't know what to do with myself when I didn't have a task to complete, so I just walked around Twilight Town and had ice cream with Axel like usual.

[ Something about the memory is hazy, maybe from the heat of the summer or the indistinct good feeling that comes from a happy time. But he knows he liked that day. ]

He said the next time we got one, we should go to the beach. It just never came.

[ One break? Sora's brow furrows and he full-out frowns at the sand, pausing with the arc left by the twig 3/4 of the way toward a full circle. Nothing he might say here seems like the right thing, but he can't say nothing, he thinks, turns his head to peer at the blond and ends up just looking at him for a while, saying nothing after all.

Eventually he turns so that he's completely facing Roxas, his legs folded up underneath him. ]

He helped me get through, Axel did, I mean. I wouldn't have made it without him.

[ Praising Axel seems, somehow, better than just settling for 'I'm sorry', though Sora is, more than he knew to be at the time and he as sorry then as well, but now there are other levels to it. He imagines waking up to a world where he would never see Riku again, never see Kairi, and it hurts like a physical injury, his heart clumsy and heavy at the thought. ]

[ The injustice of a single vacation day in an entire year of service is Roxas' last concern. His role as Roxas, Number XIII, the Key of Destiny, seems like it took place a long time ago, even though it hasn't been so long. It's just that a lifetime that was never real took place between then and now. ]

I know. I was sort of...asleep before then, but that woke me up.

[ And somehow, he'd found the strength to rise up from within Sora and test him. Get the answers he wanted directly from the person who had them.

Why you?

Why you and not me? ]

It's okay. [ His voice is thicker, transformed by what he now knows for sure is emotion. ] I don't blame you for what happened.

Because I would have done the same for him. So I can't be mad that he did it for us.

Edited 2011-10-12 15:14 (UTC)

[ Surprisingly clearly, Sora remembers the weird dreams he'd been having at the start of things, when he and Riku and Kairi had still been building the raft, when the world beyond their home. He knows it wasn't the same as what Roxas means, but that's his own connection, his own parallel. He'd rather hear more from Roxas, really, and he does, his brow pinching in again at the way the blond's voice constricts. ]

No, it's not....

[ Sorry isn't enough, nothing is really. Even if Roxas says it's okay. He drops his gaze from Roxas' face to his shoulder.]

...it's not okay, and I know that.

[ But he can't undo it either, he takes a breath. ]

But thanks. I mean, I'm glad you don't blame me. I really am. If I...I wish I could've...

[ Sora's not sure the right word is 'saved' but he wishes Axel had made it, for Roxas' sake and for Axel's own as well.

It's not fair. No one said it would be, but it's different, finally bringing it to the table with Roxas knowing all that he does. ]

It isn't.

[ Even though he's contradicting himself, he does get what Sora means; it's not okay that Axel sacrificed himself, even if it was his free choice. It's not okay that most of the things they've gone through happened at all. ]

It's not okay that he's gone, but it is okay that you got through. It's what he wanted. Neither of us would be here now, otherwise.

Besides... [ He makes a fist and holds it against his chest. ] Maybe Axel didn't have a heart, but there was more to him than emptiness. It's still with me, somehow.

Edited 2011-10-13 04:16 (UTC)

[At the last sentence, Sora can't help but smile. He knows that feeling, the kind of presence you can't get out of you no matter what you do - not even forgetting could manage it, because some part of you, sleeping or otherwise would know. Axel was Roxas' friend, but more than that, Axel still is. Sora believes in friendship with the kind of persistence and fervor that some would call foolish or misplaced, but Sora has never felt out of line in this of all things.

It's true what Roxas says. Axel had more to him than hollowness because he wasn't hollow at all. Neither is Roxas. He never was, in Sora's opinion. ]

He's with me too. I...hope that's okay, that I think that. He just...he helped me so much, and he didn't have to, and he means so much to you.

[ What he's trying to say is that he doesn't want to let that go, that it would seem a disservice to Axel - the choices he ended up making, the loyalty he displayed in his own way. ]

[ A smile slips onto Roxas' face as well. He could blame it on the way they're more in tune than they've ever been before, but he's pretty sure it's more than that.

It doesn't matter, though. It's enough to know that Sora understands. ]

It is. I mean, even if we're not the exact same...

[ On an impulse, he reaches out to squeeze Sora's hand briefly. ]

We kind of are. And he saved both of us.

[ And Roxas will never forget that. Or him. ]

[ Roxas placing his hand over his own makes it natural to turn his over so that he can give it a mutual squeeze, the kind of reassurance better conveyed in small gestures than words and Sora's never been especially eloquent anyway. Withdrawing isn't sudden and there's still a distinct air of companionship here, commonality between them not just because of who they are.

Picking up the twig again, he continues drawing in the wetter sand in front of them, the latest doodle beginning to have a suspicious likeness to what ought to be a person's head. Sort of. With spiky hair, though more like Roxas than Sora.]

He did. You know, before he...

[There's a pause, in his voice and the movement.]

...well, he said...he said you made him feel like he did have a heart.

[The way Sora says it, it's like he believes it's possible he did - just that whole redefinition of what a heart might be.]

[ A curious sense of warmth spreads out from his chest, letting Roxas feel quite comfortable even though it's gotten a little chillier out. Maybe later he'll ask Sora what some of these emotions are, now that he accepts he has them. And maybe he'll just enjoy them. ]

What a sap.

[ He smles fondly and trusts Sora to recognize that it's more than a flippant comment. Some things you just can't put into words. He realizes now that Axel had told him the same thing, every day they hung out on the clock tower. Even if he didn't think about it at the time, he heard it in every silly conversation they had to pass the time, saw it every time he saw Axel there waiting for him.

Axel didn't have to say how he felt. Roxas knew. ]

Edited 2011-10-13 16:26 (UTC)

[If Sora could read his mind, he'd say why not do both and maybe throw an arm around Roxas' shoulders, maybe pull him in so they could just lean against each other because they can and there's something really nice about that, the opportunity for a friend in someone who Sora couldn't blame for hating him if he still had. But Roxas doesn't. It means a lot more than Sora has the ability to convey, but it's possible that being friends is the best step toward trying.

So when Roxas says what he does, Sora does hear everything else not put into words, can't help but smile and it's not rueful but there's something empathetic there - understanding tinged with something of his own, memory rather not just of Axel but of Riku who would always call him a sap, which honestly if he thinks about it now, Sora couldn't deny in the least.

He laughs softly, ducking his head for a moment, just says, ] Yeah. [ Talking about Axel who'd never admit it, himself, and in fact Roxas too, but he keeps those things implied.

Staring out across the dark of the water, intermittently lit with shocks of light from the moon, Sora is reminded more strongly than ever that every world has at least some similarity to another.

The sky especially he thinks and leans back on his hands a little to peer up at it better, the seemingly random scatter of stars lighting up the distance the same as they might at home. ]

So um...since you're back...you going to live with Demyx?

[ Unspoken might be obvious: because if you're not...]

[ Not a lot of words are needed now; it's...better this time around, because they both understand each other without having to say it. A benefit of having been one person, perhaps, even though that still didn't shed all the light in the world. Even if neither of them had chosen that path. ]

[Roxas turns to look at Sora when he speaks again, a little surprised. He hadn't thought about where he'd live. He hadn't actually been thinking about much of anything besides the quiet, peaceful moment. ]

I don't know...I didn't think about that. He's not such a bad guy, really. Not like some of the other members of the Organization.

[ And there's an equally unspoken but in his voice. ]

[Sora's cheeks puff out as he takes in a breath and then they hollow as he exhales, disturbing some of the longer spikes of hair almost comically. It's not annoyance at all, just thoughtfulness. He can hear the unspoken but, and he doesn't think badly of Demyx himself. But then again it is up to Roxas no matter who likes who; that's important, the idea and the reality that Roxas gets to choose things here, especially something like this.

Etched in the sand beneath their feet, Sora's got a paopu fruit doodled in, though it looks a bit on the squishy side of things.]

Welll, would you rather live somewhere else? I mean, we get an allowance, because we're still kids and stuff...you can stay anywhere you want. You know?

[ The thing that's supposed to be Riku in the sand is looking a little closer to a swamp thing but er pay no mind to that... ]

[ Sora looks...sheepish? Shy? This must be the first example of them not immediately getting everything about one another, despite being the same, because Roxas can't see any reason he should be either. ]

[ He thinks about it for a few moments. Not long, because the path from A to B is a short one in this case. ]

Like with you?

[ Sora's art style is kind of familiar. Maybe Namine had inherited something from him after all. ]

[ Both brows raise and Sora nods, sets the twig down again, even though each time he only picks it up. ] You could, I mean if you wanted to. There's three rooms and I only use one of them. [One was Riku's, way long ago, and then after that, Namine's. Head tilted, Sora adds, ] Well, it's me and two cats. Technically.

Sounds kind of lonely.

[ He leans back, sinking his fingers into the sand. The idea of living with Sora is kind of appealing, but weirdly, a little scary at the same time. ]

Can I think about it?

[ Thinking about that a moment, Sora doesn't deny it but he has a tendency to look on the bright sides of things when he can, so he simply says: ]

It's okay.

[ To the second thing though, Sora nods quickly, not wanting to box Roxas into anything he might ultimately prefer not to. ]

Sure. Take your time.

[ With a laugh, he adds, waving his device briefly, ] You know how to reach me.

It's not that I don't want to be around you or anything. I do.

[ He smiles, feeling a little awkward now but still comfortable with Sora, more than he'd ever have expected. More comfortable than he's ever been with almost anyone. ]

It's just a lot to handle all at once. Feels like just about everything's changed.

2.1; voice

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