[ With a misgiving or five, Sora shows up quickly because he runs the whole way there, figuring he wouldn't beat Roxas in arriving but that the least he could do was to make his own effort. Pausing to catch his breath he peers around before starting to circle the carousel, not having remembered to specify which side.
There aren't - Sora thinks - a lot of things Roxas could want to talk about, not to him, all things considered. Even without really explaining anything, he knows that a lot of the pieces have been there to put together; they're just seemingly improbable pieces to begin with. Even to Sora it doesn't all make sense in the most basic form, his mind wrapping around things with more difficulty than his heart ever has.
He figures if Riku were around he might shed more insight, more light, but he also knows he can't go around depending on Riku for that whether he's here or not.
Then again, he thinks, scuffing his toe on the pavement, Roxas might be asking him about something completely unrelated.
[ Roxas is already there waiting when Sora arrives; quick travel makes the dark corridors a great benefit. It also gave him some time to think, which he doesn't really need. He's been thinking about this for months. He just hasn't been believing. Is he really going to do this now?
He spots Sora coming around the curve of the carousel and raises a hand in greeting. Looks like he is.
If he had a heart, it might start to pound right about now. ]
[ Hand resting at the back of his head when he looks over in the right direction, he draws it forward to wave briefly, a half-smile on his face however unsure. He walks the rest of the way until they are just a couple feet apart and nods at the carousel's edge before perching on it himself. ]
[ He waits a beat before saying anything. Everything's careful, deliberate. He doesn't feel in control of anything but if he acts like it, he can pretend he is. ]
You're my friend, right?
Even though I'm a Nobody, and we're supposed to be enemies.
[ The words coming from his mouth almost feel like someone else is saying them. But it's true; though he's never thought of them that way, and maybe he hasn't been a friend back, Sora has tried to be his friend since day one. ]
Definitely. What we're 'supposed to be' doesn't matter with that kind of thing. We're friends anyway. I mean, it's our choice.
[ Inseparable, in a metaphorical sense and a literal sense later but Sora answers without any hesitation and keeps these particulars to himself. He thinks about Roxas the few times he's mentioned Axel and Xion - how he doesn't talk about anything else the way he talks about them - and he thinks about spending time just eating ice cream with him and saying nothing and he thinks about how much Roxas likes carrot cake - tiny things that make him anything but a nobody, technicality or not. Things that make him very real and his own person in an important way, if not in every way. ]
Is...something wrong?
[ He slips off the carousel again, just sort of standing in front of it, head tilted. ]
[ He nods. It's about what he expected to hear from Sora. More or less the same thing he's said for months. He's not sure how much of it he believes, but it's nice to hear, he supposes.
It's also not what he's really here to talk about.
Again, he doesn't answer Sora's question. There's a reason he's here, something he needs to know for sure, so he takes a few more seconds to gather his thoughts, steels himself, and asks the question. ]
[ It's a bit of a broken record thing with Sora, his beliefs not many but rather expansive - broad as some might say critically while others would just say open. It depends on which topic, perhaps but where Nobodies are concerned, he's never been able to reconcile the distinct impression of feeling he got from both Roxas and Axel, a range of feelings no less.
The question isn't entirely unexpected, Sora having only just thought about it, having then been unable to think of anything else Roxas might sound so serious about. He answers again without pause. ]
Yes.
[ It's not nearly the explanation Roxas deserves and Sora knows that so he hurries to say something else, something that might not be the right thing but that might get him there eventually if he says enough, period. ]
I'm sorry I didn't say so first.
[ He watches Roxas carefully, not just his face but whether he might become angry or upset enough to leave, hoping he might be fast enough to follow even through one of his portals. It's another thing of Nobodies, he's aware - that the paths are of darkness, but again he thinks that the ideas associated with traveling through those kinds of corridors are all wrong. Or, the more he considers it, that the idea of darkness itself is wrong. ]
[ It's actually relief to hear. He isn't just imagining things; there is a reason for the dreams and visions, a reason so many things about them are the same. Something he can point to and say this is why.
And...what to do now? He's obviously never dealt with something like this before, but he's certain that thanking Sora for the information and leaving is not the correct choice of action, even if he's not sure what else to do.
He's not sure of anything. But he's not the only one here, and he's already reached out for the truth once, so it can't be that hard to do it again. Besides, who else can he trust more now but...himself? ]
[ Cheeks puffing out before he draws a breath, Sora gestures again for Roxas to sit down on the carousel's edge. Not to say that he has to but that they can and that perhaps it might be better even though at this point Sora himself doesn't think an explanation will be any more shattering or illuminating than just confirming Roxas' suspicion. Maybe he suggests it because it seems more companionable, not standing and facing each other as if in preparation for some sort of showdown but sitting side by side, whether on a carousel or a clock tower, a beach or in a ship traveling between worlds. ]
It's kind of a long story.
[ He pauses. ] But when I was trying to save my friend Kairi, I turned into a Heartless. That's what [ he frowns for a second because the word 'create' sounds kind of bad even if he can't explain why, even if it's true ] um. That's when you were...born, I guess.
[ That, Sora feels, is also accurate and in its own way, truer. He didn't mean to create Roxas and Namine when he used the Keyblade of People's Hearts to sacrifice his own, pulling out his and Kairi's, but it is what happened. He can't take it back and he wonders if it's bad that he wouldn't, not only because he had to save Kairi but because he wasn't lying when he said he and Roxas are friends.
Not knowing all of Roxas' story, his judgment isn't exactly reliable, but there's a good chance even if he did know it, his end verdict would be the same. He would rather Roxas exist at all than not; he would rather have had this chance to know him. Roxas is the reason Sora thinks of this particular world between worlds as a good thing; it is an opportunity he knows he won't get again.
He adds: ]
Every time a Heartless gets created, then a there's a Nobody too.
[ Sora pauses, smiling a little, seeing for a moment not the space between them on the carousel but a beach and paopu tree with three silhouettes - one his own and the other two known just as completely. He blinks, continues: ]
She protected me. I...she used light.
[ It is by no means an elegant or even particularly helpful answer but it's still the truth, Sora pausing, before, without asking, without really even thinking about it to begin with, Sora reaches out his hand to pick up Roxas' hand and then places their palms together and presses briefly. ]
I didn't even know who you were until near the end. People kept calling me 'Roxas'. Kind of confusing.
[ He doesn't mention their fight, somewhat worried Roxas might suddenly want to fight him again if the idea even gets put out there despite the fact that in Sora's time they've already fused for what seems the final time.
Glancing at Roxas, Sora wonders what Riku would tell him instead, tries to think from his standpoint but more or less fails. It's one reason they work well together maybe, that they do think differently, even if sometimes he thinks Riku could stand a little more positivity. He thinks of how he sat on the beach with Riku, how when they thought about the world needing light and darkness the idea of being the darkness hadn't bothered him.
What had bothered him of course was the idea of Kairi stuck waiting and wondering, how that seemed wrong, like their story couldn't possibly be over. Maybe that's why it had been a simpler matter to wait on that shore though, until the bottle washed up with words to lead them back, together.
Of course that's when he'd then wound up here. A frown wrinkles his expression for a second before he wipes it off, blinks again and wonders if it's lying to say Roxas doesn't stay a Nobody, if it counts to fuse together again with the original heart or if maybe it wouldn't to him, how that even works, and wishes now he'd asked Riku more about it if only to say more on it to Roxas.
It feels like the least he could do, and not really enough. ]
[ That doesn't really answer any of his questions. Light? Roxas uses light, but from the way Sora's voice goes all soft and amazed when he talks about his friend, it's not the same thing at all.
He's more than a little startled when Sora takes his hand, but he doesn't jump, and he doesn't pull away. Hand in hand, even for a short time...well, they are supposed to be one, aren't they? They were, once upon a time. ]
I guess it would be.
[ He looks sidelong at Sora, not as nervous as he thinks he should be. It's like every part of him relaxed as soon as Sora said Yes. ]
I think I've known for a while now. I just didn't let myself believe it. I mean—it doesn't make sense, does it? We're not the same. But I recognized you.
And my dreams, the pictures in my head...I wasn't just seeing things, was I? I was remembering.
[ Sora feels perhaps foolishly gratified when Roxas doesn't snap his hand away or even withdraw it at all, smiling a bit brighter at his other before nodding to the question. Absently his legs kick back and forth a little, hanging off the edge of the carousel as they are the way they're sitting. ] Yeah not just dreams or seeing things. And [ His smile turns into a grin, thoughtful. ] definitely not the same, sort of...well, like two sides of a coin, I guess.
[ Again he's struck with the reality that even in his most truthful state he doesn't have especially satisfying answers for Roxas, but that one seems to hit home, resonate because of the way it roots down through both of them. Not the same, but part of one thing anyway, and that's...well, he wonders if it could be okay to Roxas, the way he is now, when he is from.
Judging by the fact that he's still here at all, well that's got to be a good sign, Sora hopes.
He'd thought, as Roxas rejoined with him, the smile he gave him before doing so had been that of a friend, and Sora had wondered if he smiled then if that was both of them in a sense too. ]
But does... [ He pauses, some misgiving creeping into his voice. ] ... does it, uh, bother you?
[ It's as honest as he can be. It isn't that this is overwhelming, exactly, although Roxas is pretty sure that it should be. It's more that it doesn't quite feel real yet, even though he's been approaching this truth for a while.
Who knows how he's supposed to react, though? Probably no one else has ever dealt with this before. ]
It's kind of hard to think of us as being the same.
[ And yet...it's not bad to think of that. Now that he's finally stopped resisting the idea of them being on the same side, he can admit that he likes Sora. There are worse people he could have come from. ]
I mean, it's not like you can read my mind or anything.
[ There's an impulsive apology on the tip of Sora's tongue - feeling in that distinct way that he's mis-communicated maybe by saying 'same' except that when he stops himself to think about it again, he can't come up with another word for it. Just as well maybe, because the next thing Roxas says has him arching a brow - his mind catching up before he shakes his head with a smile. ] No. No mind reading.
I guess... [ He folds his hands in his lap, fingers lacing before he tugs both hands behind his head instead, peering up at the sky from a slant. ] ...if it did bother you, I couldn't blame you. [ I made you, he thinks but again can't be sorry about it as much as he guesses maybe he ought to be. ] It's not like...like you had a choice.
[ This time he looks over at Roxas, arms lowering to his sides again. ] I'm sorry.
[ He can't help smiling at the idea of it, just a little, just for a moment, if only because it's easy to do when he doesn't have to worry about it actually happening. His life isn't his own and never has been, it seems. But his thoughts belong to him alone.
With that out of the way, he takes a moment to look at Sora, really see him, and he feels like maybe he understands him even if he couldn't put it into words. ]
Thanks.
[ Not it's okay or don't worry about it because he it might not be and Sora might need to. He doesn't know how this is going to go. But for now, it is okay. It really is. ]
Whether we're the same or not...we can figure that out. But we can start by just being friends. Right?
[ There's a swell of relief for Roxas' words. Sora doesn't need any ahead-of-time reassurances. He believes fully that Roxas being willing to give him a chance as much as he already has, and much more so now means very nearly everything. Opportunity, and at least metaphorically an open heart (and Sora still doesn't know what he needs to do to better understand the lack of one, if it's even possible for him as the possessor - perhaps not) together are enough - are more than he could ask for though he's glad to accept both, to do what he can to earn that Roxas has allotted him both.
Because he's right. Whether they're the same or not - and insofar as Sora is concerned, they're supposed to be but might not be in the ways that make people themselves - can be found out without a rush. Rushing isn't what Sora would want in the first place anyway; he just wants to get to actually know Roxas.
Figuring out the being friends thing, not just in intention but now, perhaps with more of the air cleared, just spending more regular time together (he's thinking they should go to the beach while it's still summer, for instance) and seeing where that takes them.
When Roxas fused back with him Sora had a sense of completion, but the strangeness was that he hadn't known what he was missing to begin with, and he couldn't ask. Now he can do better than that; he can learn, hopefully.
[ He's not sure what to do next. One thing is resolved, but that resolution has prompted a hundred more questions, most of which can't be answered now.
But that's okay. He's never gotten anywhere by rushing ahead, especially when he has no idea where he's headed. Instead of craning his neck to look ahead, he thinks he's all right with taking one step at a time and recognizing what's beside him.
And that's Sora. ]
All right.
[ Sora's smile is contagious, and whether that's because they're the same—connected—or not, it doesn't matter. Roxas smiles too. ]
[ In reply, Sora slips off the carousel, still grinning. ] Yeah, sounds good!
It'll be nice to not have to walk on my hands for it this time. [ His hand goes to the back of his head, a shrug there before he drops it to his side and nods in the direction they should go to get to the ice cream shop.
There's a warmth in his chest where his heart is, something steady and hopeful that tends to carry him through, but it feels - and maybe this is all in his head but he can't tell - as if it doesn't belong only to him. ]
[ He knows the way, but he can let Sora lead them. He's been pulling back from Sora for so long that it feels like he might trip as he finally moves forward, but he can handle a little stumble. Especially when there's someone there to help him back up. ]
I actually made it to the door, all the way around the building, after this guy Kazu told me about a trick where you --
[ Sora kind of hops onto his hands and pitches his legs forward to balance himself out and walks for a while, but his voice comes out funny upside-down of course. ]
-- use your legs to keep yourself balanced! [ With a bit of effort he pushes himself onto his feet again, dusting his hands off absently. There's a certain ease here now - which isn't to say things will necessarily be easy, he figures, but it's a step in the right direction. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Is someth---All right. See you soon.
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There aren't - Sora thinks - a lot of things Roxas could want to talk about, not to him, all things considered. Even without really explaining anything, he knows that a lot of the pieces have been there to put together; they're just seemingly improbable pieces to begin with. Even to Sora it doesn't all make sense in the most basic form, his mind wrapping around things with more difficulty than his heart ever has.
He figures if Riku were around he might shed more insight, more light, but he also knows he can't go around depending on Riku for that whether he's here or not.
Then again, he thinks, scuffing his toe on the pavement, Roxas might be asking him about something completely unrelated.
Of course, nothing else actually comes to mind. ]
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He spots Sora coming around the curve of the carousel and raises a hand in greeting. Looks like he is.
If he had a heart, it might start to pound right about now. ]
Hey.
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Hi. What's...what's going on?
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You're my friend, right?
Even though I'm a Nobody, and we're supposed to be enemies.
[ The words coming from his mouth almost feel like someone else is saying them. But it's true; though he's never thought of them that way, and maybe he hasn't been a friend back, Sora has tried to be his friend since day one. ]
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[ Inseparable, in a metaphorical sense and a literal sense later but Sora answers without any hesitation and keeps these particulars to himself. He thinks about Roxas the few times he's mentioned Axel and Xion - how he doesn't talk about anything else the way he talks about them - and he thinks about spending time just eating ice cream with him and saying nothing and he thinks about how much Roxas likes carrot cake - tiny things that make him anything but a nobody, technicality or not. Things that make him very real and his own person in an important way, if not in every way. ]
Is...something wrong?
[ He slips off the carousel again, just sort of standing in front of it, head tilted. ]
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It's also not what he's really here to talk about.
Again, he doesn't answer Sora's question. There's a reason he's here, something he needs to know for sure, so he takes a few more seconds to gather his thoughts, steels himself, and asks the question. ]
Am I your Nobody?
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The question isn't entirely unexpected, Sora having only just thought about it, having then been unable to think of anything else Roxas might sound so serious about. He answers again without pause. ]
Yes.
[ It's not nearly the explanation Roxas deserves and Sora knows that so he hurries to say something else, something that might not be the right thing but that might get him there eventually if he says enough, period. ]
I'm sorry I didn't say so first.
[ He watches Roxas carefully, not just his face but whether he might become angry or upset enough to leave, hoping he might be fast enough to follow even through one of his portals. It's another thing of Nobodies, he's aware - that the paths are of darkness, but again he thinks that the ideas associated with traveling through those kinds of corridors are all wrong. Or, the more he considers it, that the idea of darkness itself is wrong. ]
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[ It's actually relief to hear. He isn't just imagining things; there is a reason for the dreams and visions, a reason so many things about them are the same. Something he can point to and say this is why.
And...what to do now? He's obviously never dealt with something like this before, but he's certain that thanking Sora for the information and leaving is not the correct choice of action, even if he's not sure what else to do.
He's not sure of anything. But he's not the only one here, and he's already reached out for the truth once, so it can't be that hard to do it again. Besides, who else can he trust more now but...himself? ]
How?
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[ Cheeks puffing out before he draws a breath, Sora gestures again for Roxas to sit down on the carousel's edge. Not to say that he has to but that they can and that perhaps it might be better even though at this point Sora himself doesn't think an explanation will be any more shattering or illuminating than just confirming Roxas' suspicion. Maybe he suggests it because it seems more companionable, not standing and facing each other as if in preparation for some sort of showdown but sitting side by side, whether on a carousel or a clock tower, a beach or in a ship traveling between worlds. ]
It's kind of a long story.
[ He pauses. ] But when I was trying to save my friend Kairi, I turned into a Heartless. That's what [ he frowns for a second because the word 'create' sounds kind of bad even if he can't explain why, even if it's true ] um. That's when you were...born, I guess.
[ That, Sora feels, is also accurate and in its own way, truer. He didn't mean to create Roxas and Namine when he used the Keyblade of People's Hearts to sacrifice his own, pulling out his and Kairi's, but it is what happened. He can't take it back and he wonders if it's bad that he wouldn't, not only because he had to save Kairi but because he wasn't lying when he said he and Roxas are friends.
Not knowing all of Roxas' story, his judgment isn't exactly reliable, but there's a good chance even if he did know it, his end verdict would be the same. He would rather Roxas exist at all than not; he would rather have had this chance to know him. Roxas is the reason Sora thinks of this particular world between worlds as a good thing; it is an opportunity he knows he won't get again.
He adds: ]
Every time a Heartless gets created, then a there's a Nobody too.
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He doesn't think so, though. He wasn't ready before. ]
I know how Nobodies are created.
[ He doesn't say it accusingly, just factually. And even then, it's not a completely true fact. He doesn't know how this Nobody was created. ]
But you're still here. You're whole.
[ He lifts a hand as if to touch or poke Sora, then thinks better of it and drops it. ]
How come you're not still a Heartless? I'm still a Nobody.
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[ Sora pauses, smiling a little, seeing for a moment not the space between them on the carousel but a beach and paopu tree with three silhouettes - one his own and the other two known just as completely. He blinks, continues: ]
She protected me. I...she used light.
[ It is by no means an elegant or even particularly helpful answer but it's still the truth, Sora pausing, before, without asking, without really even thinking about it to begin with, Sora reaches out his hand to pick up Roxas' hand and then places their palms together and presses briefly. ]
I didn't even know who you were until near the end. People kept calling me 'Roxas'. Kind of confusing.
[ He doesn't mention their fight, somewhat worried Roxas might suddenly want to fight him again if the idea even gets put out there despite the fact that in Sora's time they've already fused for what seems the final time.
Glancing at Roxas, Sora wonders what Riku would tell him instead, tries to think from his standpoint but more or less fails. It's one reason they work well together maybe, that they do think differently, even if sometimes he thinks Riku could stand a little more positivity. He thinks of how he sat on the beach with Riku, how when they thought about the world needing light and darkness the idea of being the darkness hadn't bothered him.
What had bothered him of course was the idea of Kairi stuck waiting and wondering, how that seemed wrong, like their story couldn't possibly be over. Maybe that's why it had been a simpler matter to wait on that shore though, until the bottle washed up with words to lead them back, together.
Of course that's when he'd then wound up here. A frown wrinkles his expression for a second before he wipes it off, blinks again and wonders if it's lying to say Roxas doesn't stay a Nobody, if it counts to fuse together again with the original heart or if maybe it wouldn't to him, how that even works, and wishes now he'd asked Riku more about it if only to say more on it to Roxas.
It feels like the least he could do, and not really enough. ]
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He's more than a little startled when Sora takes his hand, but he doesn't jump, and he doesn't pull away. Hand in hand, even for a short time...well, they are supposed to be one, aren't they? They were, once upon a time. ]
I guess it would be.
[ He looks sidelong at Sora, not as nervous as he thinks he should be. It's like every part of him relaxed as soon as Sora said Yes. ]
I think I've known for a while now. I just didn't let myself believe it. I mean—it doesn't make sense, does it? We're not the same. But I recognized you.
And my dreams, the pictures in my head...I wasn't just seeing things, was I? I was remembering.
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[ Again he's struck with the reality that even in his most truthful state he doesn't have especially satisfying answers for Roxas, but that one seems to hit home, resonate because of the way it roots down through both of them. Not the same, but part of one thing anyway, and that's...well, he wonders if it could be okay to Roxas, the way he is now, when he is from.
Judging by the fact that he's still here at all, well that's got to be a good sign, Sora hopes.
He'd thought, as Roxas rejoined with him, the smile he gave him before doing so had been that of a friend, and Sora had wondered if he smiled then if that was both of them in a sense too. ]
But does... [ He pauses, some misgiving creeping into his voice. ] ... does it, uh, bother you?
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[ It's as honest as he can be. It isn't that this is overwhelming, exactly, although Roxas is pretty sure that it should be. It's more that it doesn't quite feel real yet, even though he's been approaching this truth for a while.
Who knows how he's supposed to react, though? Probably no one else has ever dealt with this before. ]
It's kind of hard to think of us as being the same.
[ And yet...it's not bad to think of that. Now that he's finally stopped resisting the idea of them being on the same side, he can admit that he likes Sora. There are worse people he could have come from. ]
I mean, it's not like you can read my mind or anything.
[ pause ] You can't, right?
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I guess... [ He folds his hands in his lap, fingers lacing before he tugs both hands behind his head instead, peering up at the sky from a slant. ] ...if it did bother you, I couldn't blame you. [ I made you, he thinks but again can't be sorry about it as much as he guesses maybe he ought to be. ] It's not like...like you had a choice.
[ This time he looks over at Roxas, arms lowering to his sides again. ] I'm sorry.
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[ He can't help smiling at the idea of it, just a little, just for a moment, if only because it's easy to do when he doesn't have to worry about it actually happening. His life isn't his own and never has been, it seems. But his thoughts belong to him alone.
With that out of the way, he takes a moment to look at Sora, really see him, and he feels like maybe he understands him even if he couldn't put it into words. ]
Thanks.
[ Not it's okay or don't worry about it because he it might not be and Sora might need to. He doesn't know how this is going to go. But for now, it is okay. It really is. ]
Whether we're the same or not...we can figure that out. But we can start by just being friends. Right?
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Because he's right. Whether they're the same or not - and insofar as Sora is concerned, they're supposed to be but might not be in the ways that make people themselves - can be found out without a rush. Rushing isn't what Sora would want in the first place anyway; he just wants to get to actually know Roxas.
Figuring out the being friends thing, not just in intention but now, perhaps with more of the air cleared, just spending more regular time together (he's thinking they should go to the beach while it's still summer, for instance) and seeing where that takes them.
When Roxas fused back with him Sora had a sense of completion, but the strangeness was that he hadn't known what he was missing to begin with, and he couldn't ask. Now he can do better than that; he can learn, hopefully.
He beams at Roxas. ]
I think that's probably the best place to start.
[ And he thinks: thank you. ]
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But that's okay. He's never gotten anywhere by rushing ahead, especially when he has no idea where he's headed. Instead of craning his neck to look ahead, he thinks he's all right with taking one step at a time and recognizing what's beside him.
And that's Sora. ]
All right.
[ Sora's smile is contagious, and whether that's because they're the same—connected—or not, it doesn't matter. Roxas smiles too. ]
Want to get some ice cream?
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It'll be nice to not have to walk on my hands for it this time. [ His hand goes to the back of his head, a shrug there before he drops it to his side and nods in the direction they should go to get to the ice cream shop.
There's a warmth in his chest where his heart is, something steady and hopeful that tends to carry him through, but it feels - and maybe this is all in his head but he can't tell - as if it doesn't belong only to him. ]
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How far did you get, anyway?
[ He knows the way, but he can let Sora lead them. He's been pulling back from Sora for so long that it feels like he might trip as he finally moves forward, but he can handle a little stumble. Especially when there's someone there to help him back up. ]
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[ Sora kind of hops onto his hands and pitches his legs forward to balance himself out and walks for a while, but his voice comes out funny upside-down of course. ]
-- use your legs to keep yourself balanced! [ With a bit of effort he pushes himself onto his feet again, dusting his hands off absently. There's a certain ease here now - which isn't to say things will necessarily be easy, he figures, but it's a step in the right direction. ]
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