binarysky | 2.4; audio

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2.4; audio

[ The first sound is an explosion, a large one; in reality, it's the ignition of a Firaga spell, but for the two boys reliving this memory, it's a self-immolating attack, one that should come from the heart.]

You're...fading away...

[It's Roxas' voice saying the words, but at this moment, he sounds very much like Sora.]

Well, that's what happens when you put your whole being into an attack. You know what I mean? Not that Nobodies actually HAVE beings...right? Anyway, I digress. Go, find Kairi. Oh, almost forgot... Sorry for what I did to her.

[And this is Sora, a mix of self-deprecating humor and regret evident in his tone.]

When we find her, you can tell her that yourself.

[Stubborn and certain.]

Think I'll pass. My heart just wouldn't be in it, you know? Haven't got one.

Axel, what were you trying to do?

[There's sadness on both ends now, but a mutual acceptance as well. The end is near, but not without purpose.]

I wanted to see Roxas. He was the only one I liked. He made me feel...like I had a heart. It's kind of funny... You make me feel the same.

[And then there's only silence. Neither boy moves.]

[ooc: this scene, with Roxas as Sora and Sora as Axel, a follow-up to this post.]

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[ Sora blinks, his brow creasing because one second he'd finally found Roxas again after they'd separated earlier in the day, and the next there was some sort of explosion - one he'd witnessed before but for a moment he'd felt he was the cause of it, felt like he was fading. He's strangely not scared, but it's a little like he's been stunned, thrown into a bizarre displacement - not himself, but coming back to it. Peering at Roxas, Roxas who seconds before looked like Sora himself when Sora didn't feel himself at all, he realizes he's still on the ground.

He rubs a hand down his face, shaking his head as he props himself up on his other elbow. ] What...again?

[ When he eyes Roxas it's through splayed fingers but the look is not confused as much as it is taken by surprise still. ]

[For his part, Roxas simply feels empty inside. No, that's not it—he has a lot of feelings about what they've just relived, but they're buried under the surface, swirling within him but not making themselves known just yet.

Stunned. The word is stunned. He's known about this moment, seen it before in the hazy, just-out-of-reach way he saw all of Sora's memories while tucked inside their heart, and experienced it very much for himself when it awoke him from an almost-dream.

Seeing it in person is entirely different and ten times as visceral, even if Sora is not Axel and Roxas is not exactly Sora.]

I guess so.

[Drymouthed, the words come out quietly. After a moment, he offers Sora a hand up, moving jerkily, like he's just going through the motions.]

[ Taking Roxas' hand is automatic and Sora doesn't let it go even when he's standing, shaking his head to clear it again. He can't explain how it felt, only what he knew - that things were ending and that by knowing that he had a queer sense of clarity he knew wasn't his own even though it seemed to be, lying on the ground and apologizing for actions that didn't belong to him either. But the result of it, in a way, was, he thinks, and it's now, gripping firmly onto the other boy's hand that he feels his regret more sharply, a heavier twist. He's sorry Axel faded, that essentially Axel died, but he had been just as sorry that he'd had the impression Roxas never had the chance to know exactly what he meant to his friend.

Looking at him now though he thinks maybe he was wrong, maybe Roxas knew precisely how he 'felt' (for all that Nobodies are not supposed to contain the capacity for feeling, Sora understands that he himself was never fully able to commit to the idea, though he pushed through it each time he fought - perhaps mistakenly). Roxas knew, he thinks, because that's how Roxas felt, feels, about his friends - Axel, and Xion who remains a mystery to Sora.

He squeezes his hand, a short, definitive gesture. ]

I wish he hadn't...

[ Faded. Died. He's not sure what word he wants to say out loud, and trails off but his eyes stay locked on Roxas, intent because sharing memories means something, like sharing dreams, like sharing a heart. ]

[Roxas lets Sora hold his hand, but it's out of absentmindedness more than any sense of closeness or affection. He's still overwhelmed; experiencing one memory from the wrong perspective was disorienting enough. Now this?

Axel. All that time, and he'd never said it.]

He shouldn't have had to do it.

[Join the Organization to retrieve something that should have been his all along. Use someone else's friend to bring back the only one he had. Give up absolutely everything he had left without hesitation.]

Any of it.

[ When Sora lets go it's not too sudden but there's a sense of wrongness about it, like he's realized something belatedly and it's not entirely true because it's nothing he hasn't known for a while already. But it feels a little new, or new in the face of this maybe, letting both of his hands rest at his sides as he bows his head in a nod, emphatic, recognizing. ]

No, he shouldn't.

[ Should he apologize? Sora is not altogether sure, if that wouldn't just be out of place and in its own way more frustrating. The ones who maybe ought to say sorry aren't even here. His next breath is deep, the heavy sort that suggests a preamble for words that aren't going to be good enough but the ones that, also, people end up saying anyway - because in at least a few ways the saying is true: something is better than nothing. ]

I'm sorry he did. If I...I didn't understand what he was doing.

[ It's true and it's a weak response but he stares directly at Roxas. There's no lie he'd give because lying isn't what you should do, but also because it wouldn't help. Roxas probably knew Axel better than anyone, and Axel probably never told anyone what he told Sora, what Roxas knows now himself. Sora is glad Roxas knows, thinks it's different witnessing like this, but he also can recognize hurt. ]

I'm so sorry. [ He says again and means it as much as the first time. In a way he knows this is one of the things that had made him fear Roxas wouldn't want to know him after everything, wouldn't want to be known by him and if that had been his choice - or if it's his choice now, this reality made fresh, then Sora wouldn't blame him. It's Roxas' right as much as his friendship with Axel itself was, as much as his life, as much as his heart - everything the Organization told him he didn't have and everything that for too long Sora just went along believing. ]

It wasn't your fault.

[ Roxas wouldn't blame his Other for what Axel freely chose to do. Could not blame him. Here and now, it's easier to look at the two of the and think of them as separate people, albeit intimately connected, but at that time, in that place...they had been one.

If Sora had been helpless to stop Axel, so had Roxas. Axel had done it to save both of them. Whether or not that was his intent, it was the definitive result.

He feels something on his face then and swipes at it, only to feel moisture on his hand. Oh—he's crying. The realization doesn't stop it from happening, though, as another tear wells up and rolls down his cheek.]

But...

[ He stops. It's a moot argument in that even for the parts that may be his fault he gets what Roxas is also saying here - that Axel would never do anything like that, to the degree that he did, outside of his own choosing. However he had made that decision. Somehow it fails to make him feel any better but he knows that's not what it's supposed to do. They should feel bad about this, he thinks but at the same time he doesn't want Roxas to feel badly in general. It's an odd contradiction but he shelves it in favor of an immediate action. Sora has long treasured his friends, his friendships above all other things, believing that the heart is defined by that sort of relationship, that connection that doesn't fade even when, yes, they die or they leave in some way.

Roxas crying is something that strikes Sora with a similar surprise but he thinks it might be Roxas' own surprise and not his, something about being so close that where before they were feeling the memory now they are back to experiencing each other's reactions, or maybe that's all in his head. But in this case Sora doesn't look for words and he doesn't grapple for what to do, this time he just steps forward and slips his arms around the other boy and tugs him close, his chin hooked certain and familiar on his shoulder. ] I'm still sorry, [ he admits, but it sounds less like fault and more I'm sorry that it happened, I'm sorry that he's gone, I'm sorry because he was your friend; I think he could have been mine too. ]

I know.

[He mumbles the words against Sora's shoulders as he hugs him back. No sobs come, but the tears continue. He's never felt this way before, never felt this much before, and he doesn't know whether it's from facing up to issues he's never had time to face or being this close to Sora.

It's funny, he thinks to himself; if they had remained one person, he'd be alone, trying to comfort himself. But if they had remained one person, none of this would ever have happened, and there would be no need. As it is, Sora is just separate yet still connected enough that his presence is a comfort. Whether it's because they're friends or pieces of each other's heart, it's enough.]

Sorry I ran before. I panicked.

[ Sora holds him tighter because that's what seems natural, the bend of his arms still slightly awkward, not out of that adolescent stage when the limbs seem gawky no matter what one is wearing or how one is standing. Pressed close he can't tell their heartbeats apart and it makes him feel that much more integral, or rather, gives him the impression of being so much a part of Roxas without actually being him, which would at this point just be presumptuous. He rubs the palm of one hand in circles against the other boy's back, hyper-aware of the fact that Roxas continues to cry, but there is no shame in it. Sora hopes there isn't at least.

Axel gave up his literal everything to see the two of them through.

It's the repeated truth of that thought that steeps itself deep in his bones, and Sora can recognize this because of his familiarity with other friends' sacrifices - Riku, who felt he had penance and who Sora is fortunate enough to know is home, a place he'll go again one day too, and, in a sense, Roxas. He'd like to show him the island the way they are now - individual beings just uncannily interconnected - but that's not something for right now as it is.

Taking a deep breath himself, the exhalation is lost in Roxas' shoulder. ] Don't worry about it, [ he says and means it, also means hey I'm here, and maybe more importantly, suggests only their kind of togetherness. ]

[He's never had family before, so Roxas doesn't know if this is what it's like to have brotherly support. Considering his origin, it could even be paternal. It doesn't really need a label, though. It just is. And he's glad it does.

Eventually the tears stop welling up and his breathing settles into something slow and calm. He loosens his arms, allows some space between them, but doesn't step away. Sora's presence is a panacea.]

That was a really bad day.

[He means the first—the day he left—but doesn't specify. It could easily apply to either memory anyway.]

[ When Roxas leans back, Sora shifts his hands to his shoulders to accommodate the small space between them but also to maintain contact, and his thumbs make absentminded circles against the fabric of the other boy's shirt. He remembers before Kairi came to the island when he and Riku would explore the caves and the same old stretch of beach as if it was always new, how before they started competing - to show off, or whatever - Riku was his confidant and comfort, things people think kids aren't old enough to need but their bond was stronger for it - still is. He knows his bond with Roxas is not at all the same but it is Sora's friendships with other people that give him perspective now.

A really bad day? He nods softly. Roxas doesn't need to specify, which is both the invasion and the clarity this curse has given them - Sora gets it, understands. ]

Both of them.

[ He pauses, squeezing the blond's shoulders briefly before moving to stand beside him instead, slipping one arm around both of his shoulders and pushing just slightly, steering their direction. ]

Let's stay out for a while.

[ Sort of to settle back into themselves, but also just to settle, period. ]

Okay.

[ He's grateful for both the companionship and the initiative. He's in no shape to decide what to do next; maybe the answer is not doing much of anything. ]

[ Roxas lets Sora decide where to take them, his own arm coming up to rest on his upper back. For a minute or so, he's quiet. ]

That first day, I'd just had enough. I was done with it all. I knew Axel had been lying to me about stuff...about knowing who I really was...and I left. Fought my way out of the castle. I thought I didn't have any friends left.

[ Sora doesn't excavate the silence like he might normally, has in his time in the City learned more about the art of being Quiet than he honestly ever was able to at any other time or location. It's partially that the situations he found himself in were never much call for learning the perks of Not Talking, but it's also that he thinks the people he was involved with needed conversation more than the opposite. In this case he thinks it's a bit of both and he gives Roxas' shoulder a slight squeeze again as they walk, thoughtful but keeping it to himself for the time being.

When Roxas does speak again, Sora doesn't quite wince but it's a near thing. His own heart might threaten to jump into his throat, but he swallows down the feeling as much as the idea and inclines his head a little. Sora has never had the misfortune of feeling that, but he knows how he felt when he thought he had lost Riku, and worse that Riku felt - however darkly influenced - that Sora had, in a sense, betrayed him whether he meant to or not. He is sure he can count as many feelings that are as bad on one hand, for which he's glad, but it leaves him a little ill feeling all the same, just the memory, long ago as it is now - or so it seems.

He thinks about Roxas, having to go it alone and genuinely believing he hadn't anyone else. Unconsciously, he leans in closer, and the way they're walking arms over shoulders, they could be brothers or best friends but the truth is it's not that simple. They turn down another street, but even with all the people about Sora hardly notices them. ] Did you think...did you think Axel'd been lying to you about...being friends too? [ His voice is quiet, not wanting to be insulting, but it feels like the kind of thing they should talk about rather than just telling him how sorry he is. Because he is sorry but that doesn't help anyone really. Maybe talking about what happened, though it won't change anything, can help in other tiny ways. He's not sure, but he's sure willing to find out. ]

I think I did. Or I didn't really know. He was the one who said we were best friends first, but best friends tell each other the truth, don't they?

[ He sighs, his hand pressing perceptibly tighter against Sora's back. He isn't Axel and this isn't a substitute friendship, but a best friendship of sorts...yeah. In a different way. ]

Nobodies aren't supposed to feel anything, so maybe he just didn't feel guilty. But they're not supposed to care, either.

[ He can still sense Axel's desperation upon locating him in the false Twilight Town. The worry and the pain and the anger had all spoken more clearly than the words Roxas hadn't understood at the time. He can't believe that there was no emotion behind them. Won't believe. ]

Now I think he was just afraid of losing me.

[ When Sora thinks about losing people he thinks about searching for Kairi and Riku and he thinks about watching Riku disappear behind the impossible door, telling Sora to take care of Kairi and Sora wanting to tell him that wasn't how this was supposed to work. He thinks about goodbyes and he thinks about people who don't even get the chance for goodbye; he thinks about Axel and not just because he's with Roxas, but because Axel left a specific impression on Sora was well, individual.

As they walk he keeps the blond close in the crook of his arm about his shoulders, as well as the measure of his step, everything syncing even though he's not trying for that especially - only to stay together. ]

I think...friends should tell each other as much as they can. I mean...I used to think that was everything. But then I started to realize what if there's something I could protect someone from, you know? Or if I thought I could. [ He trails off a little quietly, not sheepish so much as unsure because he knows that there's a lot of room for error there, but everything seems to have that. Sora wants his friends safe and he wants them to have happiness and to know that they are loved and appreciated. Sora wants what in Sora's head all friends want for each other, but what Axel ended up wanting for Roxas - and by proxy Sora too - was singular and striking with it: a chance in the end not just to know who he was but understand and maybe find closure with it, a gift he couldn't really get from anyone but himself - and Sora, who is technically a part of himself anyway, and vice-versa.

He inhales slowly, cheeks puffing out somewhat comedic and making him look younger before he lets it go, steering the both of them clear of a gaggle of other people. ] But I think you're right...that he was afraid I mean.

And I know he cared about you.

[ Sora isn't sure if Roxas is questioning that or not but he figures it might help to hear from someone else, even if that person is still just Sora. ]

He seemed to feel a lot. Not just for someone who's not supposed to, but for anyone. I couldn't always tell what it was but I knew they were real - the feelings.

I cared about him too.

[ It's easy to admit, and more than obvious. But sometimes it's better to say things aloud. ]

If I could go back, there are a lot of things I'd do differently. I wouldn't just leave him like I did; I wouldn't leave without him, either. If we'd both made a stand...

[ He sighs, and turns to look at Sora. ]

But I suppose things didn't turn out so badly in the end.

[ For a second Sora doesn't move, just stares back at Roxas, not looking for anything of himself there but something of Axel and whatever else of Roxas' personal history. How he cared, and the what-ifs, even though the last thing he says is true also. But could they have turned out better? He figures they both wonder - even if Sora did not always, and really even when he wonders on it now he thinks he started considering it way too late. But that doesn't stop him thinking about it now either. He tilts his head. ]

What do you think would've happened - I mean, if you both...I dunno, refused to do what they told you or...do you think any of the others would've been on your side too?

I think...they probably would have tried to force us. Or fight us. Or turn us into Dusks—Axel, at least. Maybe I would have been worth too much. I don't know.

I like to think we could have escaped, but I'm not sure things would have turned out much different than they did.

[So much uncertainty. But in the end, he can't bring himself to blame Axel. There was every reason to fear what the Organization would have done—and did try—to do to both of them.]

[ As they continue walking, they eventually come up on Xanadu, and while they could have used one of Roxas' portals, the truth is Sora thinks it's better right now to walk like this, no short-cuts. Nudging his shoulder against the blond's, it's not a jovial movement as much as it is a reminder that he's there at all, that he's listening, that this is important to him too - not for himself, but because of Roxas as his own person even if Sora has to admit he doesn't understand what that means entirely even now.

It's a work in progress. ]

I...I don't know if this makes much sense, but I think it's good you believe you could've escaped, or that you want to think that. It means you wanted to lead your own path even if it seemed...

[ Sora dislikes the word 'impossible' because most often he's found it's not true, that things happen when you least expect them, in the ways and by who you least expect. Impossible is just a word. But it's the one that hangs in the silence anyway and he gets the feeling they both know it. ]

I think I always did. I just didn't know where it was, or where it led.

[He's dimly aware of their surroundings, but it's like he and Sora are the only truly real things in this world. He's keenly aware of Sora's presence, his support, the way he listens closely to everything Roxas says.]

Once upon a time, I really did think I was in the right place, with them.

Edited 2012-01-02 03:29 (UTC)

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2.4; audio

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